Controversies in Military Ethics & Security Policy
"Just giving someone an address is often not enough"
Lieutenant Colonel Matthias Dommes is in psychotherapy for trauma stemming from his deployment. Together with volunteers, he and his wife Mojca founded the EHRfurcht e.V. association on their estate in Brandenburg to help traumatized people out of their often dead-end situations. The association now has 88 members. An interview about the situation of those affected, the role of family members, the importance of social support and what makes working with animals unique.
Mr. Dommes, could you start by telling us how your illness developed? Matthias Dommes: When I returned home from my last deployment in Afghanistan in 2008, the ordeal began: I had no motivation left and could no longer see any meaning in my daily life. I neglected myself as well as my relationship. The worst part is that, as someone affected, you don’t notice it because it happens gradually and imperceptibly.
Moral burdens also played a role for you. Could you give us an example? Matthias Dommes: (to his wife) If I can’t manage it, please take over for me... During my last deployment, I saw a shepherd beat his donkey to death. The animal had collapsed under its heavy load … (steps out of the room)
Mojca Dommes: We live with animals, so I can easily imagine what it must be like to witness something like that firsthand. And the soldiers weren’t allowed to intervene – that wasn’t their mission. I read his reports, so I’m familiar with some of what he went through. It wasn’t only about animals. There are things you wouldn’t wish on anyone.
As his wife, how did you experience these changes? Mojca Dommes: Everything still seemed normal in the first few years. It wasn’t until 2011/12 that I clearly noticed something was wrong – the depressive moods became more frequent, the nightmares increased and, above all, there was this complete lack of motivation. Nothing mattered to my husband anymore except withdrawing; he became passive-aggressive.
And how did you respond to that? Mojca Dommes: At first it didn’t occur to me that the cause might lie with him. You question everything – yourself, the relationship… At that point I was desperate for someone to talk to because nothing made sense to me anymore. Eventually, I urged him to go to the Bundeswehr hospital and get checked to see whether there might be psychological stress behind it.
Matthias Dommes: (back in the room) All I can say is that I would never have gone anywhere or asked for help if my wife hadn’t pushed me to. I can understand why others feel the same way.
In your experience, what makes this first step so difficult? Matthias Dommes: The German Armed Forces now offer many forms of support, but they also come with conditions. Some people may slip through the cracks, or they’re already in such poor mental shape that they simply don’t have the energy. If there’s no family or partner to push and support you, nothing happens. Just giving someone an address isn’t enough.
Mojca Dommes: Physical wounds are visible to everyone; emotional wounds are not. People who come to us often say, “I’d rather have lost my legs than be dealing with this”. For those who were deployed and see themselves as “warriors,” the biggest obstacle is admitting they have a weakness. But accepting help would mean doing exactly that.
They’ve also often had their trust betrayed when they opened up, shared their fears and distress. Then people talk behind their backs, or they get pigeonholed.
You are both in therapy. Aside from that, what helped you most in dealing with the illness and the situation? Mojca Dommes: It was really our house, our farm and our animals. In 2009 we bought our estate in Brandenburg and moved here from Berlin. We have six horses, three dogs and a cat – they all need care early in the morning. It’s hard to shut out that responsibility, even when you’re depressed. If you start the day this way instead of staying in bed, you’ve already taken the first big step. We sometimes played off each other a bit and would say, “I have to leave for work at five tomorrow – it’ll be your turn”.
And this experience is what gave you the idea for your association? Matthias Dommes: Our vet once said to me, “I was fortunate never to have to defend Germany’s freedom in the Hindu Kush. How can I help you?”. From that, the idea slowly emerged to pass on to others exactly what my wife and I had found helpful.
Mojca Dommes: The crucial thing is that we talk to each other as equals here; when you come to us, you don’t have to explain technical terms or feelings. It’s not only soldiers with PTSD or moral injury – veterans, reservists, their families, and even those who haven’t seen a doctor yet but are wondering, “Maybe something really is wrong with me?” – should be able to build networks and get support here. We try to keep the entry barrier as low as possible.
What exactly does the work with those affected look like? How does something like this actually work? Mojca Dommes: We don’t have a set program; we tailor activities individually, because we see people with different mental and physical stresses and needs. Some want to chop wood, others prefer archery, painting or crafts. Everything is adapted to the individual and supervised by our members. But the animals are always part of it – not for the entire day, but in varying sessions, depending on how comfortable people are with animals.
Matthias Dommes: With help from our members, we gradually expanded what we offer. We have a sawmill, which means we can now include traditional crafts. We use the horses to haul trees from the forest, turn them into planks and make tables, chairs and similar items. We also have a forge where we make fittings, for example. The projects are designed so they can be completed during a person’s stay here. This gives the people who come to us a renewed sense of self-worth.
Mojca Dommes: That’s exactly what many of the people who come here no longer have. For them, the world has stopped working properly. They don’t have a job, and often no money; everything that’s part of the social norm is gone. We tell them it doesn’t matter what they bring with them – and if, at the end of the day, they have something tangible they can be proud of, then all the better.
But that requires a lot of coordination. Mojca Dommes: We agree on a daily structure and divide up the tasks.
Matthias Dommes: Structure is definitely important. At six in the morning the horses are fed and taken to the enclosure, and we check to make sure everything is in order. Then we have breakfast together, and that’s when you ask, “Are you making the coffee, or, will you heat up the stove in winter so we can sit in a warm room?”. It’s really just an ordinary daily routine, but some people need to write it down so they can stick to it.
Mojca Dommes: If it becomes overwhelming, there’s always the option to withdraw, but that’s not the main point. This isn’t a pony farm; people really do have to accomplish something – each within their own limits, of course.
And in the best-case scenario, they realize it does them good? Matthias Dommes: That’s exactly the whole point.
the word recovery doesn’t really apply when it comes to psychological stress. We’re not going to recover; it’s about learning to live with the circumstances
Recovering means work in a sense. Would you agree with that? Mojca Dommes: A lot of people actually end up with sore muscles. When you’re under strain, you try to block everything out and hide from the world. Here, you’re outdoors all day doing something.
Matthias Dommes: Fresh air, the animals and hands-on work – those things alone do you good. But the word recovery doesn’t really apply when it comes to psychological stress. We’re not going to recover; it’s about learning to live with the circumstances.
Mojca Dommes: We also try to lead by example. We don’t hide the fact that therapy helps us as well. When someone talks about their problems, we listen actively and stay with it. But of course it weighs on us as well; that’s why we occasionally take a break and one of the staff steps in. Our own mental hygiene is very important to us. And we don’t pretend we have a perfect marriage.We argue sometimes, and people definitely notice.
What sustains your relationship? What approaches have you found? Matthias Dommes: For me, it’s an unshakable belief in our relationship. I’m grateful to my wife for standing by me when my stress kept getting worse. This trust must never be abused. There are difficulties – more than in ordinary life – but it brings us closer, and we talk things through from time to time.
Mojca Dommes: Yes, it’s difficult. There are good times and bad, but as long as we can talk about it – which we couldn’t do at all in the beginning – it becomes easier for me. Then I don’t take it personally when he withdraws because he’s struggling to cope with the world.
We also complement each other. For me, it’s more about burnout. When I tried to take on everything – the work at home, my job, the association, the animals, and so on – he said, “Be careful, you’re going too fast.” Without him, I wouldn’t have realized it so soon.
And when things get really tough, you grab a horse or a dog. It’s incredible what animals can give back to you.
Your animals play an important role in what you offer. What can horses, for example, do that people or words cannot? Matthias Dommes: I’ll give you an example. One of our club members is a former close-protection officer in the German Armed Forces, and you can’t tell at all when he’s afraid or under stress. We stand next to one of our horses and talk, and he feels safe and accepted – and suddenly the walls come crashing down, the walls that anyone with psychological issues builds to avoid feeling vulnerable. But the walls don’t fall because the horse does anything; they fall because the horse takes on his heartbeat, influences his breathing, and he feels relaxed and unburdened – nothing is pulling at him anymore. Tears can come in moments like that, and he can suddenly talk about things.
Mojca Dommes: Everyone says they’ve never experienced anything like it before. “I didn’t even know I still had feelings like that.” That’s the point where we say, “Hold on to that – then you can talk to a psychologist about it too”. Using horses as a way to open a conversation works for anyone who’s willing to engage. It’s much easier than sitting across from someone and trying to talk.
Mr. Dommes: One reason is that animals don’t judge you by your rank, your name, your appearance or your clothing.
Mojca Dommes: Our horses aren’t therapy horses that just stand around and wait. They’re very sensitive and mirror things honestly. When someone comes into the enclosure agitated and stressed, the horses pull back at first. We also look at what a person can tolerate. You might lead the horse with your eyes closed, or let the horse lead you – to let go of responsibility or to build confidence.
One last question: It’s often said that people tend to seek help too late. Do you share that view? Mojca Dommes: No, because people might think, “I don’t need to report it – it’s too late anyway”. Many who come here for the first time look down, are shy and withdrawn – and after just three days, they leave the farm with a smile, take heart and promise to come back.
Matthias Dommes: Let’s put it this way: as long as they come, it’s never too late.
Mrs. Dommes, Mr. Dommes, thank you very much for the interview.
